After supper though, Carolyn asked me if I wanted to go for a walk with them, so I did. I'm trying to get into the habit of whenever someone asks me to go for a walk, I say yes. It's good cause it's actually getting me outside and active. Elisa came with us, but she jogged/ran rather than walked. At some point, I want to join her and actually starting running too so that I can get more exercise into my routine.
Oh, speaking of walking, I did go for a walk earlier today with Elisa when she got home from school. We went to Plaza La Loma, which is literally like a block from her house and has a little convenience store and pharmacy and stuff. I bet you can guess what I bought there. Yep, té frío :P I'm so original. Ben made a comment about me being addicted to ice tea at supper today. I didn't deny it. Can't deny that which is true :P
Since I've talked about the other kids, I should mention that Jacob and I are starting to bond a bit, I think. He likes to tell me about his accomplishments in his video games and I actually do enjoy coming out into the living room and just sitting there and watching him play. My cousin, Joel, used to play video games a lot whenever I'd babysit him and we'd play together, but sometimes he'd play single player games and I'd just sit and watch him, so it kinda reminded me of that, which was nice :) Joel was actually the one who got me into a lot of video games, like Halo and Assassin's Creed and Fable. Which is kind of cool because those are games that Jake likes and he likes to show me them. It's cool because I'm able to relate to him in that way. It's cool that he likes to show me things because it kind of shows that he accepts me. Being the oldest and the one who at the beginning seemed kind of closed off, I wasn't sure how well we would mesh, but we've actually been getting along really well. I've been getting along with all of the kids really well actually. They don't necessarily get along with each other, but they all seem to like me :)
Elisa made a comment today, one that she's pointed out before, but it makes me feel good when she does. She pointed out that I'm always smiling (or at other points always laughing) and that's actually something that I'm really proud of :) There is a lot to smile about. True, there is poverty and pain and sadness in this world, but you know what else is in this world? Jesus. He's the reason I smile. He's the one that gives me so much joy. How can you not look around at this world and see the immense beauty that God has created and just revel in it? I'm constantly revelling in the beauty of Tegucigalpa. We have such a beautiful view of the city from the house and I'm constantly looking out over the city and just smiling because it is so beautiful. That's probably one of my favourite things here: the views. I don't think I'll ever stop being fascinated by the sites here.
Unfortunately, I actually don't smile all of the time. I wish I did, but sometimes darkness can creep in and blot out the light. For me, this comes in the form of insecurities. They're something I've constantly been struggling with since grade 8 and, tonight, the devil pulled out that ball of insecurity and hit me right in the face with it. And unfortunately, it left a mark.
I wasn't sure if I was going to share this, but I'm not afraid to talk about my past. To better understand my insecurities, I'm taking you back to grade 8 with me. This was the year that changed me.
It's the summer of 2005 and my family decided to pack up our life in Meaford and move to Sault Ste. Marie. There were a lot of reasons why this was a good move for us, but I won't go into those. It was hard to leave the only home I'd ever known and all of my friends, but I was excited for this new opportunity. That is, until the school year started. This was the year that I was going into grade 8 and I didn't know anyone in the class, except for a girl named Taylor, who went to my church. She made it seem like she was going to introduce me to her friends and show me around the school and such, but from day one, she turned her back on me. I didn't see it at the time because I honestly was kind of naive and thought the best of everyone. But right out of the gate, I was alone. For reasons I could never understand, Taylor pulled everyone away from me. Even when one girl tried to be nice to me and befriend me, Taylor stepped in and pulled her away. I felt so alone and unwanted. Unaccepted. I got involved with lunch monitoring for the younger grades and volunteered at the library at recess so that I'd actually have something to do rather than be alone. Whenever there were pair or group projects, I was always last picked. It didn't help that there were 13 girls in the class and that doesn't divide evenly, aka, I was always the odd one left out. I couldn't understand why. Why did no one like me? Why was I not being accepted? I had always been the type of person who could make friends easily and everyone always seemed to like me because I had such a friendly and warm personality. But yet here, suddenly, I was an outcast. I felt things I had never felt before. I felt unwanted, unaccepted, unloved. I started to question what could be wrong with me that would cause me not to be accepted by anyone. Was I too ugly? Was I too fat? Was I annoying? What was wrong with me? This rejection cut me deeper than any physical wound ever could and I started crying myself to sleep at night. I'd dread going to school because I didn't want to feel the rejection. I fell into a really dark place. I started to tell myself that maybe it would be better if I wasn't even here. I mean, no one even cared about me, so they wouldn't care if I was gone. I even convinced myself that my family would be better off without me. I was a screw-up. I couldn't do anything right. No one wanted me. No one loved me. In the darkest time of my life, I contemplated committing suicide.
Thankfully, I never did go through with anything. The one thing that kept me from doing anything to myself was knowing that I couldn't be with God if I killed myself. So all I could do was keep my head down and try to make it through grade 8. Which I did. And then I moved on to high school. High school was like a breath of fresh air for me. I completely broke away from the kids at my elementary school and found friends that actually liked me and accepted me for who I was. I got into drama and musical theatre and discovered my passion for singing and acting. My life got better. But though I moved on from grade 8, the insecurities stayed. Because I've experienced so much rejection, I'm now afraid of it. I'm afraid of not being accepted by people. This could be why I'm such a people pleaser, because I want them to like me. I want to be accepted by them. But it's also why I'm so insecure. I'm constantly worried about upsetting people or annoying them, because all I want is to feel accepted and wanted. To feel loved. This doesn't mean a romantic kind of love, though that is something I want someday, but just to feel loved by my friends, by the people I care about. To know that they actually enjoy having me around and want me to be there. That I'm not a bother to them. Because I don't want to go back to that place I was at in grade 8.
It's hard. I know Jesus heals and He has been helping me heal from this, but every so often, the devil sneaks in a hit. I've struggled with my own self image and my self worth. It's definitely hard living in a world that's so focused on beauty and perfection and not "living up" to this world's standards. It's hard being surrounded by girls who are thinner and prettier while trying to look in the mirror and see yourself as beautiful. I will admit it, there are days when I've let the devil creep back in and cause me to doubt. I've said things like, "Who could ever love me?" "I'm ugly." "I'm fat." I know I shouldn't, but sometimes you just can't help it. Sometimes you let your insecurities cloud your vision and distort your view of yourself. I know I have.
But though what I went through really shook me up, I wouldn't change my past. My past and the experiences I've had are what make me who I am today. I think being rejected in that way is what has made me so accepting. I want everyone to feel accepted so that they don't have to feel the way that I did. I want everyone to know that they are loved, that they are wanted. Honestly, I think that's kind of what led me to want to do missions work. I want to share God's love and acceptance with the world because I don't want anyone to feel like no one loves them, that no one wants them, that they aren't accepted, because they are. Without having experienced that, I don't know if I would have had the passion for this that I do now. So yeah, it sucked and sometimes the insecurities still swing a few punches here and there, but ultimately, God has taken something that hurt me and turned it into something that can heal others. And for that, I wouldn't change a thing.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful; I know that full well ~ Psalm 139:14
No matter what you are going through, God loves you. Even when it seems like the world has turned against you, He will stand for you. Through Him, all things are possible. You are a child of God and He loves you. He created you and what He creates is perfect. Never doubt that God has great things in store for you. Hold on to Him and He will carry you through the storms in life. What the devil intends for evil, God will use for good. Joseph was betrayed and beaten by his brothers, sold into slavery (in which he was a slave for 11 years), and thrown in prison for two years, but through all that God was able to bring him into a position of power that ultimately helped him save thousands of lives during the seven years of famine, including the lives of his brothers who had betrayed him. So those hard times you're going through now are just the stepping stones on the path for God's great plan for your life. No matter what you're going through, you can trust that God's got His hand on the situation. And, like Kelly Clarkson says,
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!"
Or as the Bible says,
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me ~ Philippians 4:13
~ Cass Haines ~
No comments:
Post a Comment